Just what would I do for the team? What could I do for the team? I am pretty sure that an archaeologist wouldn’t come in particularly handy on the tour. As far as I’ve seen, there’s precious little digging that goes on during a bike race. Given this reality, I’ll need to dig deep (pun intended) into my big bag of skills to see what else I can do for the team.
Bike Maintenance
OK, so I really don’t know anything about maintaining a professional road bike. I am sure they need WD40 and some tightening here and there. I could get a kick ass leather belt with holsters for the WD40 and some key sockets and allen wrenches. I’d be ready for anything. Maybe I could be a human tool belt. I’d carry all the stuff the real mechanics need to fix a bike. Or maybe I could just wash the bikes…or wash the cars of the guys who wash the bikes.
Food
I am really good with food. I really like to eat and spend a lot of time thinking about food. I could hand out food bags in the feed zone. That would be pretty cool. I could stand along the roadside and see all the pros go by. I suspect that you have to work your way into that job, though. Maybe this year I could start out filling the bags that others hand out on the road in the feed zone…or getting the bags that others fill so that others can hand them out on the roadside.
Publicist
I spend a lot of time talking in front of people. Maybe I could be one of the publicists for the team. On the upside, I am good in front of an audience. I can be colorful, genuine, snarky, aloof…whatever the team needs. On the down side, I don’t really know that much about cycling or the team, and I don’t speak French. I could learn the first two pretty fast. The whole French thing may be out of my reach before July. I am really sure that publicist is a job that you have to work your way in to. Maybe I could be the guy that gets lunch for the publicist? I like lunch (maybe not as much as breakfast) and think I am pretty good at getting lunch for myself and others.
Chef
The team needs a chef. I don’t have any formal training, but I cook for my wife and kids all the time. I am really good at cooking pasta, which is important for cycling because those guys carbo load like crazy during races. At least, that is what I hear. I am really sure that chef is a job that you have to work your way in to. Maybe I could start out as the sous chef for the chef? I am equally sure that sous chef is also a position you’ve got to earn. My family owned a restaurant when I was a kid and I cooked burgers, cut French fries and washed lettuce for salads. Maybe I could cut French fries and wash lettuce for the team? Someone on the team must like French fries and salad. Maybe I could be someone’s personal salad maker? I’d do it if I got to go to the Tour de France.
Masseuse
I know those guys get really tired and sore riding for 3 weeks straight. I also know that teams employ people to massage riders each evening. Again, I don’t have any formal training. More than that, I really don’t want to touch other men’s bodies. That sounds a little uptight, but I really just can’t do that. I don’t think I could do it even if Johann Bruyneel promised me I could ride in the team car during the entire race. I’d wash the masseuse’s car, bring him/her lunch, even serve as a human tool belt carrying oils, rocks, melted chocolate, mud, whatever the masseuse needs.
Just About Any Other Menial Job
I really just want to go and I don’t care all that much what it is I do that gets me there. I’ll make and carry coffee, do laundry, fetch sandwiches, make copies, clean bathrooms. It doesn’t matter as long as it doesn’t involve kneading man flesh.
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