Strictly Man Stuff

Men, I am here to talk about something that most of you don’t want to think about; something none of you ever want to have and something you never, ever want others to know you have. Yes, I am talking about man boobs or moobs. It is an all too common problem among men of all ages. I, being a fat archaeologist, live in fear of developing a full-fledged set of my own. I don’t want a manssiere (aka the male bra or brossiere). So to head off that fate before it befalls me, I have consulted the source of all knowledge—the brainchild of Al Gore—the internet. I am here to share with you what I learned from my time with WikiAnswers.

There generally are three reasons whey men develop moobs (outside of a hormonal condition called gynecomastia). The first, and I am guessing most common, is because they are overweight. Somehow that just makes sense, doesn’t it? The threat of getting them provides just one more incentive for keeping the weight down. As if the protruding belly (and concomitant obstructed views), extra chins, and pants wider than they are long don’t provide enough of an incentive. One more Twinkie is one more step toward the manssiere, my friend.

But, even fit men cannot be safe. Apparently, if you eat the wrong (or right) kinds of foods you can increase the amount of estrogen your body produces or reduce the amount of man stuff (testosterone) your body produces. Either way may start you down the road to moobville. It seems (at least according to WikiAnswers) that certain foods, supplements, and herbal teas can all affect the presence of moobs. Now the herbal tea one just begs for typical homophobic, juvenile male humor. Just snicker at the possibilities and move on. When it comes to supplements, Saw Palmetto and Vitex have powerful man stuff blockers—so if someone is slipping those things to you, they are trying to “man you down” a bit. Food, too, can have an impact. Did you know that soy has phytoestrogens in it? Yep, plants make estrogen. Enjoy your Tofutti, your soy milk, and your Tofurki but watch out for the moobs. Not surprisingly, some meats, particularly chicken, end up with estrogen in the fat deposits—a wonderful by-product of the industrial production of edible animal flesh. Ironically, participating in the manliest of activities—gorging on fatty meat—can start you down the path to moobs. Sad, isn’t it? Take heart fellow meat lovers because organic meat isn’t filled with hormones. Your colon and cholesterol won’t thank you, but your pecs will.

Moobs may also result from the decay of well-developed pectoral muscles. If you’ve worked out a lot and really built up those pecs, you’re setting yourself up for moobs…or a lifetime of anti-moob maintenance. The solution here is to keep exercising to maintain at least some muscle tone. Or, if you are like me, just don’t ever develop those pecs in the first place. The smaller they started out, the less they’ll sag and the less work you’ll have to do to perk them up.

I particularly appreciated the comments of one answerer on WikiAnswers who warned against the ill affects of lavender. Apparently smelling too much lavender can inspire the growth of moobs…so watch out for aromatherapy, fru-fru soaps, and potpourri. Again, the jokes that could come out of this line of “reasoning” are fun but too easy and kind of stereotypically male. So I’ll refrain.

I, for one, plan to stay far away from herbal tea, aromatherapy, Saw Palmetto, soy, and non-organic meat…and as much potpourri as possible (I like nice smells). I also have started on an exercise regimen that includes push-ups, presses, and some shoulder exercises. Join me, men, and fight the good fight against the development of moobs.

And if you are not a man and you read this…what is wrong with you, have you no boundaries?