Went Out Like Superman

Yesterday I went for a ride on my bike. It was the first one since Friday and I was anxious to go. I had intended to go on a 30-mile ride at a reasonable pace, but after my first hour, I realized I was riding faster than I ever had before—15.5 mph. I went out like Superman! Coming back was a different story. I started to suffer on the return ride, and the last 10 miles was really hard. I came close to getting off my bike. I went out like Superman, but I came home like Pee Wee Herman.

I made it and came in at a pretty good average pace, but I couldn’t have maintained it for any longer. After the ride I was really spent. I felt worse than I had after any other ride I’ve done. This all worried me a bit in terms of trying to go on longer rides. Am I just an old fart? Had I been trying to go too many miles in a week too soon? I suppose I need to read a book on how to train for long distance cycling. It is right at the top of my horizontal “to do” list. Really.

Later Tuesday afternoon I came down with a fever and spent much of the day on the couch. I had a fever all night, and slept most of this afternoon as well. I am an old fart, but maybe that isn’t why I felt as horribly as I did. I’m thinking the reason I turned into Pee Wee is because I was getting sick. That is what I’m telling myself anyway. It works as I sit here with a headache, fever, and ready to go back to bed. It gives me comfort…and it is all about me.

I am going to give myself more comfort by dispensing some wisdom. These are five things I know:

1. Grocery store flowers are for emergencies or other people
Yeah, those flowers look pretty good and come at a reasonable price, but your wife will know. It is part of the training—women take secret classes on how to spot department store jewelry, insincere compliments, and grocery store flowers. They’re prepared so don't even try to get them by. Oh sure, it is OK every once in a while, but under no circumstances should you try to pass them off on a real flower-giving occasion. A mistake like that will stay with you for a long, long time. Trust me. I’ve learned the hard way.

2. Don’t let your kids play sports
Coming from someone who spent his entire childhood playing sports that sounds strange. OK, so let them play sports but be careful which ones they choose. The great American pastimes like baseball, football or basketball are OK--just watch out for things like gymnastics, ballet, ice skating, karate, and tennis. They are all pyramid schemes designed to collect money from your child (well, really from you) to maintain infrastructures that train really talented kids and support former professionals. They need your kid and your money because the few talented kids couldn't possibly pay the bills and provide aging athletes with a decent living. All of those sports need the mediocre masses. Really. If you don't believe me check it out.

If you cannot satisfy your child’s need for sporting by giving them a stick and a rolled up sock, then encourage them to play basketball or baseball. These games are great because they are team sports that, generally speaking, require little equipment, can be played at facilities found in just about any small town in the country, and are coached by volunteers seeking to relive past sporting glories (or make up for past sporting failures). While the sporting experience may not be first-rate, you’ll still be able to afford to send your kid to college when their sporting career is over.

3. You cannot turn a Starbucks iced coffee into a protein shake
I know you’ve been tempted to do it. You're enjoying a cool caffeine boost when you realize you are hungry too. Instead of using the milk to make that protein shake, why not use your coffee? Perfectly logical, right? No. Resist that temptation because it will end badly. As soon as you dump that whey powder into that delicious iced coffee it will turn to sticky clumps. You'll be chewing your iced coffee and it'll taste funny. This same advice applies to beer. Just don’t.

4. Don’t let your kids listen to your IPod
This may sound silly to you. Letting your kids listen to the songs on your IPod seems pretty harmless. Well, think about the songs that are on your IPod and then picture your kids singing along to them in front of your parents. Scared? My son loves Rock You Like a Hurricane by the Scorpions and he played it over and over while I was visiting my parents recently. In case you have forgotten, the song is not about the weather and it is not about playing rock and roll music. Sure, it is cute to see my son rockin’ out to Weezer—their lyrics are less likely to raise grandparental eyebrows (well, except for Hash Pipe). It is not so cute to see my daughter rockin’ out to Superfreak by Rick James. That is not a wholesome kids' song and it does not discuss positive female role models.

Get ‘em their own IPod and fill it with songs from nice Disney movies. Those are filled with positive female characters and model wholesome relationships. Just look at Beauty and the Beast. Belle tolerates a giant bully with anger issues and “learns” to see the good in him. That is what I want my daughter to do—find a violent butthead and tolerate whatever he dishes out in the hope that he’ll change into a handsome prince. How did I get on this rant? I love Disney.

5. Don’t let your kids plan their own birthday parties
Really, do I need to say this? Picture elephants in inflatable bouncy houses, pools filled with ice cream, the Scorpions putting on a live show in your living room (that would be my 5 year old). My daughter’s birthday party is coming up and she’s had some really exciting suggestions. One was to get piñata for each kid attending the party. Her reasoning was that it would insure that each kid got the same amount of candy and there would be no hurt feelings. I love the socialist sentiment, but the capitalistic implications of that idea are pretty steep. She then decided to skip the piñata completely…and just take all the guests to the local candy store. There is a store nearby that sells all kinds of candies, much of it by weight. It is a beautiful idea, but again the cost of taking 14 kids to the candy store? She is so giving, so generous…

My son is completely in to Indiana Jones. Can you picture the Indy-themed party he is planning? Whips for all the kids, blow guns with poison darts, gun play, fist fights, flaming pits, motorcycles, chilled monkey brains, and NO snakes.