The Things I Learned from My Students This Semester

I talked a lot during my Anthropology 101 class this semester and with so many students it was hard to get to hear from them. Fortunately my exams give them a chance to share with me. Below are some things that I learned from my students about the history of humanity. I couldn’t be more proud!

On the Pleistocene…

The Pleistocene was a time when global temperatures rose and the polar ice caps melted.

Now wait. How come we are talking like global warming will melt the polar ice caps as if it is something new that we’ve never seen before? It happened during the Pleistocene! With all that heat going on, why do they call it the Ice Age?

On the Benefits of Fire…

One of the benefits of fire was that it protected Homos from predators.

I am not sure where to go with this one. So…if fire hadn’t been tamed, there’d be no Homos?

On evidence of hunting practices as seen in Neanderthal skeletons…

“They had chimpanzee-like big toes that were good for climbing”.

First of all, their toes weren’t like chimpanzees’. Second, what were they climbing like chimpanzees in Ice Age Europe? And finally, what were they hunting while climbing trees like chimpanzees in Ice Age Europe?

On how Neanderthals differ physically from modern humans…

Neanderthals are stalkier.

Now to me stalks are usually tougher and chewier, so I suppose that means Neanderthals were tougher and chewier. Those data must have come from the Journal of Gastropaleoanthropology. I’ve let my subscription lapse.

On evidence of compassion among Neanderthals…

“Skeletons found that were brutally beaten showing that there were fights”

“One example of Neanderthal compassion is that they would make bracelets and necklaces for their loved ones. And they would make belts for the men in the family.”

…because nothing says compassion like a good thrashing and giving a dude a belt.

“They were known to climb trees a lot b/c they had chimp-like toes.“

Again with the chimp-like toes and the tree climbing…and there is no more compassionate act than climbing a tree, chimp-like toes notwithstanding.

“When the Neanderthal interbreeded with humans. DNA evidence shows that humans have up to 4% Neanderthal DNA.”

Yes, intra-subspecies sex does smack of great compassion.

“Boys skeleton found in grave with evidence of a crushing blow to the head and eyesocket. Also had broken arms”

Man, if that is compassion I would hate to see what happened when they were pissed.

On the domestication of plants and animals…

Rice was domesticated first in the Middle East

I guess there was more water there in the Middle East back in the day.

Horses and buffalo were domesticated in the New World.

Native Americans of the Great Plains will be surprised by all of this. They spent a hell of a lot of time chasing those damned buffalo around on foot.

“Domestication is the way in which humans manipulate plants + animals to serve them.”

I never thought if it quite that way. I suppose indirectly this is a plea for universal rights for all living beings.

On monuments of early civilizations…

One of the monuments left behind by the Egyptian civilization was cave paintings.

Honestly, are there any caves in Egypt?

On ancient writing...

“In Egypt they wrote on papaya and in mud that was baked to maintain their record system.”

Now that is some advanced shit. Do you have any idea how hard it is to write on a papaya? It is really a pretty soft fruit. Also, I am pretty confident that the papaya is not native to Africa. This may be conclusive evidence that the leaders of Egyptian society were technologically advanced aliens. How else besides space ships do you get papayas to Egypt before the invention of refrigeration and the internal combustion engine?

With all this new stuff, it is time for me to update my PowerPoints. When the fall semester starts, I want to be on top of the latest information!