Birthday Bizarre

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am the perpetual child. I love my birthday. I want a cake, I want presents, I want to go out to eat, and I want do to what I want to do. I’m not fishing for gifts here (Billy the exterminator swag, cycling gear, food, coffee); I’m just telling a story. I’ve already gotten some cards in the mail (lacking checks) and I am expecting a package tomorrow from, well, from me…ordered by me… to be given to me…on my birthday. But today I got two strange birthday greetings, one in the mail and the second via the great funnel of virtual greetings—the internet. Both were sweet, unexpected and completely impersonal.

One came from a law firm my wife and I did business with five years ago or so. We have a friend who lawyers for the firm and I assume he is still there. I don’t think he is the driving force behind the birthday card…that I get every year. Now my life is pretty low key and doesn’t require a lot of lawyering. I don’t get into much legal trouble and I don’t have a business or lots of assets that need protecting. In fact, I am pretty sure we haven’t brought any more business to this firm since that one time. Yet, each year the entire staff personally signs a card and mails it to me. And they always include a gift—a refrigerator magnet! So thoughtful and unnecessary, but always appreciate for the sentiment it represents.

I mean, at one level it is very nice that they take the time to do this. At another level I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not the only one they do this for. I assume they do it with everyone they do or have done business with. I can see it. Every Monday morning at the end of the staff meeting they pass around a dozen cards that each person signs to be mailed out for birthdays that week. Does this cheap ploy at personal impersonalness buy my loyalty? Hell yeah! Next time I need some lawyering I’ll call them…I’ve got their number right on my fridge.

The other greeting I got was digital and was really, really impersonal. It wasn’t even from a person. It was from a company. Now at this point we are all used to getting birthday emails/solicitations from companies with whom we do business. Some even give you a coupon or something free. In most cases, you can look at the email and know, oh yeah, that is because I bought that lava lamp from Spencer’s Gifts online last year and now they are sending me a coupon for a discount on black lights and fuzzy posters.

Well this one has me scratching my head. I got an email tonight from Knorr. Yeah, you know the company that makes sauces in those little green packets….that I NEVER buy. Well, my friends at Knorr—all of them apparently—sent me this little greeting:

Happy Birthday, Adam!		Take the time to celebrate you! All of us at Knorr® are here to help make your big day as easy and stress-free as possible. Our recipe for the perfect party? Close family, good friends and delicious food. Try one of our favorite dishes to make your birthday wishes come true!

As if that wasn’t thoughtful enough, they also included—wait for it—a recipe for Nacho Supreme Rice! Mmmm, I cannot wait to try it! In fact, I may need to throw a party just to try the new recipe I got for my birthday from ALL of my friends at Knorr! Really, I am such a lucky guy to be on the personal birthday card list of a non-human corporation (Dick Cheney is the only human corporation I know of), made up of lots and lots of really happy humans. I mean, really. Just when I thought I couldn’t be any luckier or feel any more loved. I got a recipe from Knorr! Sigh.

Now I am trying to figure out what I signed up for that somehow got me onto a Knorr mailing list. Given the bizarre interconnections between seemingly unconnected businesses, it probably came when I signed my son up for a video game or created an Amazon.com account. Somewhere on one of the screens was a box already checked indicating that I wanted to get birthday greetings and other promotional information from Knorr. Now that I have made the list, life is filled with endless and thrilling possibilities. I can’t wait to see what they send me for Chanukah! Maybe I’ll get a coupon for a packet of sauce every night for 8 nights. It will be another miracle!

All of this excitement and it isn’t even my birthday yet. It is going to be hard to sleep tonight knowing that untold digital wonders await me tomorrow on my special day. I hope Mickey Mouse remembers my big day. I wish, just once, he’d call instead of sending an email.

P.S. Two postings in one day, I know. One pathetic, one ridiculous. I must be taking pain medication!