When we move to Disney...

My five-year-old son started many a sentence with that phrase over the past year. For a long time he labored under the firm conviction that we were going to move to Disney World. The fact is that my wife and I had joked about that many times.

In order to understand that appeal, you have to know that my wife, kids, and I are total, unmitigated Disney nuts. We’ve been 9 times in the past four years and have plans to go again this year. We love going to Walt Disney World in Orlando, we love the Disney classic movies, we have Disney clothing, Disney knick knacks, Disney mugs, Disney t-shirts. We even considered buying into one of the Disney time-share programs—Disney Vacation Club.

Many of my friends (well probably really all but one—we’ll call him Buddy) simply cannot understand my love for most things Disney. These friends dislike Disney for any number of completely unfounded and irrational reasons. One reason that is often used to perpetuate the Disney smear campaign (It is a vast right wing, errrr left wing, no Marxist conspiracy) is that Disney is some kind of big mind control racket.

They cite the lengths Disney goes to in order to control crowds. If you’ve ever been to one of the theme parks, you are familiar with the roped lines that circle back on themselves like a switchback mountain road. You no doubt also are familiar with the old hidden second line trick—where you think you’ve made it to the end of the line only to find a second line around the corner. Cleverly, they deflect your line rage with props and signs that complete the immersion into the story line and encourage the consumption of Disney swag at nearby gift shops.

Perhaps you aren’t quite as familiar with the other things Disney does to insure a magical, safe experience for its guests. I read on a Disney discussion page that Disney also employs other less visible methods. Those methods include the use of hidden cameras, electric fences, laser-enforced perimeters, and an army of guards cast members.

Mind control? Come on now! These are really magicality insurance measures put in place by Disney’s Magical Experience Insurance Board. They oversee important policies and procedures to insure that each guest has the most magical experience ever! The theme parks deal with literally hundreds of thousands of guests each year. Those policies and measures are in place to insure that good hearted cast members at all levels can give guests a magical experience in a safe, family-friendly environment.

Those same laudable intentions explain Disney’s meticulous concern for employee dress, appearance and behavior. Here are the guidelines from the Disney employment web page:

For males in an on-stage role, hair must be cut above the ear and off the back of the collar with no defined cut or lines and must be a natural color. Males should be clean-shaven and may have a mustache that should not extend past the corners of the lip. No earrings, necklaces or bracelets may be worn. One ring on each hand and a wristwatch are acceptable. Any candidates with visible tattoos must comply with the tattoo policy in order to be considered for a themed area.

For females, the Disney Look means hair must be one natural shade, with no frosting. Makeup should be natural looking and lightly blended. Earrings may be post-style, no larger than a quarter and necklaces and bracelets are not allowed in costumed areas. One ring on each hand and a wristwatch are acceptable. Fingernails may be one-fourth of an inch beyond the fingertip and a clear or natural polish may be worn in most areas. Any candidates with visible tattoos ‘/must comply with the tattoo policy in order to be considered for a themed area.

Any requests for an exception to the Disney Look policy for religious beliefs or questions regarding the accommodation of medical restrictions or religious beliefs must be directed to the Cast Image and Appearance office or the Human Resources representative.

I, frankly, am glad that I don’t have to see anyone’s tattoos, low-hanging mustaches, or frosted hair. There’s nothing magical about those things and the last thing I want to be reminded of is the individuality of the cast members. What about dental embellishment, though? Why don’t I see anything about gold teeth? I am equally appreciative of the work of Disney’s Body Odor Control Board, the Religious Beliefs Review Committee, and the Sexual Preference Re-orientation Program. Honestly, I think all of this mind control business is completely fabricated.

Another ideological element of the vast Anti-magical Experience conspiracy is the belief that Disney does damage to the intellectual past of Western and other traditions by altering famous folk tales. Those folk tales ultimately were designed to teach moral lessons and reinforce norms of proper behavior. They represent a time capsule of moral codes from days gone by.

I am always amazed at how the messages in those ancient tales are still topical today! For example, in Cinderalla injustice is overcome by simple goodness and persistence. Most importantly, Cinderella has the innate goodness to forgive her oppressors and they learn important lessons rather than suffer from the consequences of their actions. I am glad my kids learn an important lesson about inner beauty from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. In the end, Esmeralda recognizes Quasimodo’s inner beauty and his willingness to selflessly sacrifice is rewarded by friendship and happiness. Honestly, I haven’t seen that one but the story line and important themes come through loud and clear after watching the previews a thousand times. I think it is great that Ariel’s dogged dedication to her dreams is rewarded by a happy life and an understanding father.

The great thing about those folk tales is that everyone ends up happy and no one really gets hurt. OK, so the Kwicked Ween, I mean Wicked Queen, falls off the cliff and disappears. Still graphic images of revenge, torture, and violent death are just not part of these stories. That is a welcome change from the orgies of violence and revenge fed to our children through TV, movies, and video games. We all have Tipper Gore to thank for cleaning up entertainment! These ancient folk tales illustrate timeless life lessons that reinforce good American values. We should be thanking Disney for bringing those lessons to new generations who don’t read.

Being the responsible, engaged parent that I am I decided to do a bit of background research on those Disney classics. You know, so that I can help amplify their important messages by providing my kids some historical background and additional detail. No, I didn’t go to the library to do this. That would require driving and paying off that overdue library fine. Instead I went to the font of all good information:  Wiki on the web. Frankly, I am shocked at what I learned! It has really shaken by belief in the veracity of the information on those Wiki pages.

Did you know that the Little Mermaid really dies? So much for the rewards of sticking to your dreams. How about the fact that Esmeralda remained horrified of Quasimodo and both ended up dead in a mass grave? Inner beauty, my ass. I never knew the Hunchback of Notre Dame was such a bummer! How about this one? The seven dwarfs were little thieves and the wicked queen was forced to don red-hot iron shoes and dance in them until she fell dead. Wow, that could be adapted to make a great episode of CSI. In the Brothers Grimm version of Cinderella the stepsisters try to get into the slipper by cutting off parts of their feet and they are outted by two pigeons who peck out their eyes, leaving them to be blind beggars for the rest of their lives. So much for happy endings, redemption, and lessons learned. Did you know that Wendy, Michael, and John actually were gone for 5 years and their parents went through years of heartbreak?

If this is what these folk tales teach my kids, I am glad that I have Disney people out there thinking for me and cleaning them up!

And that is why I love Disney and would love to work for Disney. Now that the state of South Carolina is poised to cut another 21% from the university’s budget, my dream of becoming part of the Disney family might become more plausible. After all, I was the last one hired at the Institute where I work, and the last one hired is the first one…well, let’s just try to visualize the best possible outcome on that one. In the meantime, I am keeping my options open. Unfortunately I’ve searched the Disney employment pages and discovered that they don’t seem to hire archaeologists. I honestly believe I could serve as a pretty good consultant for archaeoedutainment, but I haven’t figured out a way to slip that to one of the imagineers already on the inside. So, until I can get the attention of the Unrealized Potential of Low-Paid Cast Members Oversight Committee, I am going to have to do something else for Disney.

Now that I am under 200 lbs (well at least on some days), I figure I can get past the BMI requirement for employment in an “on-stage” role at one of the Disney theme parks or resorts. I’ve got some ideas on what I can do, but need to spend more time thinking on it. I am open to good suggestions.