Looking at the Disney employment page, I can see a lot of really appealing choices. There are things I will rule out immediately because they just don’t sound magical enough. I mean, if I am going to give up a career I love then it better be for something magical, right? I am really not interested in working away from Walt Disney World, so I don’t want to work in the airport or in some kind of reservation center. I really hate doing housework at home and I am pretty sure I’d hate doing it just as much for Mickey so anything in housekeeping is out. Plus, I don’t speak Spanish and that is a prerequisite for doing housekeeping at Disney.
A front desk, concierge, or bellman’s post could be good but they sound just a bit too mundane and customer service oriented. I really don’t like dealing with people all that much—that is why I study dead people! I am really not young and fit enough to be a life guard or go for other recreation-related jobs, and I just don’t have the fashion sense to have much to do with cosmetology and costuming (Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique Hostess or spa positions). Merchandising doesn’t sound that thrilling to me either. Sure, it could be fun hawking princess dresses, instant cameras, and sun screen at any one of a whole variety of on-property establishments. Somehow, being a Disney convenience store clerk just doesn’t sound magical, though…it sounds depressing.
Working in food service sounds equally bad—unless I was a chef. Before I score one of those jobs…I need to become a chef. Honestly, I’ve considered culinary school. I like to cook. It is one of my few creative outlets. Being a chef could be kind of cool. Unfortunately, I’ve worked in just enough kitchens to know that it is hard, stressful work. On top of that, I’d have to go back to school. I was in school from the time I was 6 until I was 31. If you subtract the few years that I worked between stages of graduate school, I spent about 22 years in school. I am not anxious to go back.
Really, I want to be where the magic is. I want to be where the escape happens. That means I really need to be in the parks or resorts somehow. That really narrows the list down to just a couple of key possibilities. Here are my top three:
Character
Of course, who wouldn’t want to be one of the characters? You are right there making the Disney magic. Adoring kids come to you for autographs, photographs, and attention. You, the character, make the Disney magic come alive. What a great thing to do.
I know what you are saying. The people who play the characters are actors, thespians, people with training and stage aspirations. Am I any of those things? No, but I am more than qualified. Sure it takes a certain amount of acting training and the ability to put that training to work in front of a crowd. I have never had any formal acting training. I was in my high school senior play. It was a minor role…OK, it wasn’t even a real role in the play. It was created just to give me a chance to participate. I have to admit that I killed that role. Anyway, I don’t need any more formal training. I have been teaching college students for almost 20 years. I have lots of experience playing a character in front of a crowd…I’ve played the wise, knowledgeable, compassionate professor for years. I can do emotion…I’ve acted interested, I’ve acted like I care, I’ve acted like I know the answer, and I’ve certainly acted like I meant to say that a whole bunch of times. At this point, I am supremely qualified to pretend I am someone else feeling emotions that I am not feeling.
I think I would make a great Captain Hook. He’s “older” like me. I might need lifts in my boots though, because I don’t think he’s traditionally shorter than Mr. Smee. I don’t think I’m right for any of the princes. Oh sure, I believe I am a prince, but I don’t really look the part. I could do Geppetto with some make up…too bad they don’t have Geppetto walking around the parks greeting kids. I wonder why? Maybe I am best suited for one of the characters that appear completely covered. No, not any of the ones in tight clothing like the Power Rangers, but maybe Balloo from the Jungle Book.
Of course, you and I both know which part is perfect for me. Mickey Mouse. He’s short, like me and the suite hides any morphological imperfections (multiple chins, man boobs, protruding abdomen). I am sure there are lots of openings for Mickey. After all, he is at every park all the time. Disney must employ a veritable army of Mickeys. I am ready to take my place as a loyal soldier in the Mickey army.
Character Handler
If I can’t be a character, then I am sure I could make an excellent character handler. They are the secret service agents of magicalness. They have the radio buds in their ears and have the critical job of making sure the magic is distributed evenly. They guide characters through their duties and also make sure their adoring fans keep their appropriate distance. I have a friend with a fancy for Jasmine. We’ll call him Buddy, although that isn’t his real name. Buddy waited in line to get his picture with her. When it was his turn, he tried to put his arm around her. Two handlers came out of nowhere, jumped him, twisted both arms behind his back, and quickly whisked him behind closed doors in Agrabah. His wife found him hours later in a heap near the cave on Tom Sawyer Island. He didn’t recall anything, but found a note on his pin lanyard that read, “Go near Ariel’s grotto and your dead.”
Nothing keeps fun safe like the threat of violence. I like the paradox of using force to make the magic happen!
Monorail Driver
If they won’t let me in the parks to keep the magic happening, then the next best thing is getting people to the magic. Buses may get more people to the parks, but the Monorail is the shit. It is space age technology. It is quintessential Disney! Sure the Monorail is kind of elitist. It only serves the most expensive resorts and therefore takes only the wealthiest guests to the magic. Still, the Monorail drivers are the royalty of the Disney transportation system. If I am going to give up my life in the academic spotlight—my life as a rock star of academe—I am not going to take a step back. Becoming a Monorail driver is more of a lateral move.
These are all fine looking options for a potential move to a Disney career. On their career page, Disney also lists the starting salaries for these positions. Would you believe that character performers start out at $8.75/hr? That’s crap wages. For a full time gig, that comes out to roughly $18K a year. The people bringing the magic directly to you are paid less than the friendly soul you buy your beer from at the local Stop and Rob. Hell, at that rate I’d have to put my wife, kids, and pets to work to make ends meet in the happiest place on earth. The handlers must do better, huh? After all, they are the brains of the operation. Nope, they make $7.50/hr. That stinks! At that rate, I wouldn’t get any joy out of forcing the magic to happen the Disney way. Even the Monorail peeps start somewhere between $7.35 and $8.25/hr. I can assume that transportation royalty—the Monorail driver—gets paid more. Would you believe that the bus driver makes more than all of them? The role I looked down upon. It pulls in $10.25/hr—that is around $23K a year.
Where’s the magic here? I couldn’t support my family working at Disney. I can’t make magic and feed my kids.
2 comments:
The last thing I remember was Jasmine saying "no touchy!" Hey, I was just after a grat photo op - I wasn't trying to be a pervert. I must admit the magical-ness of my day was a bit dashed until I ran into Belle. We talked about books and walked hand-in-hand into the castle. I can't tell you where my wife found me hours later with her......
Gads...does sound magical though.
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