It might seem flat in your car but it is not flat on your bike

I got to go on another ride last night. I did it after spending almost 3 hours as stand-in mom at a bridal shower for my daughter’s skating coach. After the shower, both of my kids got to play at their friends’ house and their parents let me go for a ride while the kids stayed there. So I started in wild and wooly Irmo rather than on the tranquil streets of Shandon. I decided earlier in the day that I would try to do a ride, but never really planned a route. Oh, I tried, but didn’t get very far. I looked up rides in the area on the web and found several pages of possible routes. The problem was that I just wasn’t in the mood (or physical condition) for the 98 mile ride or the 64 mile ride, or even the 49 mile ride. I had a vague idea that a certain road went a certain direction and was relatively flat and not very busy. So I figured I was safe just winging it.

Now, if I was going hiking or canoeing or fishing I wouldn’t wing it. I don’t make it up as I go along when I excavate a site or try to find sites. Why did I think it was OK to fly by the seat of my pants this time? Did I think there would be less of a chance that I would get lost or find myself on a route that I couldn’t handle? Ultimately, it turned out fine, but I could have planned a much nicer ride than the one I got. I had to work my way through busy intersections and somewhat unfriendly neighborhoods. I ended up on a fairly busy road with a narrow shoulder and no bike lane. I spent a lot of time hugging the shoulder as pick-up trucks blew past me. As an aside, it is amazing how the wind pushed by a decent-sized truck can really toss you around when you are on a bike…and when you are tight-rope riding the shoulder…and dodging potholes and big rocks.

And the hills on this route were, uh, different from my normal routine. Now, I have driven this road many times before I remember it as being flat. Here’s a cycling truism: Things that seem flat in your car DO NOT seem flat when you are riding a bike. I need to keep that in mind…especially if I continue to insist on making up my own routes based on memory. My happy little ride in Shandon has one pretty good hill—at least by my admittedly low standards. Last night’s ride started out almost immediately with a hill that was steeper and longer than the one in Shandon. I really hadn’t warmed up much so I got tight pretty fast…and that just about did me in before I really got started. And the hills just kept coming. Every time I considered turning around, another hill loomed ahead of me. Psychologically, I just couldn’t turn around at the bottom of a hill. That would be like letting the hills beat me. And this whole biking thing is one giant contest between my brain on the one side and my legs and the terrain on the other. I can’t let the hills win. Oh, they want to, but not on my watch.

I kept pushing on last night also because I secretly (I am not sure how it could be a secret because the entire “conversation” goes on only in my head.) wanted to make 20 miles. I was probably getting ahead of myself. Luckily, it was getting dark and I don’t have one of those nifty flashing lights on the front of my bike. I also was a bit concerned that my friends might worry about me being out so late.

Coming back I took a wrong turn or, more accurately, chose the wrong path back to the house. If I had simply gone back the way I came, it would have been a nice, flat ride. Because of the turn I made I had to ride up two nasty hills. That would have been bad enough at the beginning of the ride, but at the end it was a little daunting. Again, because this is a battle between my brain and the hills, I couldn’t relent. If those hills got any hint that I couldn’t cover them, they’d be all over me and I’d be done. The first hill wasn’t too bad. The second was really, really steep. I was up off my seat and over the handle bars. Luckily it wasn’t very long so I managed to mash it out. Then I got to some flat roads and zoomed for a couple more miles before heading back.

I didn’t make 20 miles, but I got close. I rode 18.24 miles, averaged 12.5 mph, and did it in just under an hour and a half. That is a comparable pace to my nice Shandon ride. I feel pretty good that the hills really didn’t slow my pace. I suppose I could look at that one of two ways. Either I am doing a good job of maintaining a consistent pace regardless of the terrain. Or I am going so slowly already that I couldn’t go any slower with out tipping over in the ditch. I like to think it is the first one and not the second. If you know otherwise, just tell me what I want to hear. I’m really very fragile.

Last night my legs were really killing me and I was worried that today I would be in bad shape. The only other time I remember my legs feeling like that was when I hiked 25 miles of the Appalachian Trail in two days without any preparation. I could barely walk when we finished the hike and was a virtual paraplegic for the next several days. Today my legs have felt fine. Sometimes it takes a day, so we’ll see how they are tomorrow.

IPhones, Cycling and the Love of My Fans

I got my IPhone the night before last. At long last, the gadget I’ve been pining away for. The one piece of technology that I cannot live any longer without. Finally, I can now turn my phone into a light saber and pretend to fight a duel with Darth Maul! I can record my bowel movements and tweet them to the world. I can take pictures of every moment of my life and email them to someone else. Finally, my life has meaning because I can broadcast it.

Two days in and I’m an app junkie. I’ve got 12 so far. Once I cross that line and start actually paying for them, the floodgates will really open. I’ve got my eye on one that keeps track of the length of lines and availability of fast passes at Walt Disney World. I can’t wait to use that puppy when we go in December. Possibly the coolest app I’ve gotten so far will actually do dictation. I say something to it and it turns it into text and I can email or text it. Pretty freakin’ cool.!

Of course, I still haven’t bought a case for the thing yet, and since you cannot get insurance for IPhones I really, really, really need to put it in some protective covering. If you search back in my archives you’ll see a post about wanting an IPhone and about what I managed to do to an IPod Touch that almost got me fired when I bought it. I cannot, repeat, cannot do the same thing to this IPhone. I’ll curl up in a ball and cry myself out of existence. My wife ordered an Otter Case for me online and hopefully it will get here in the next couple of days. In the meantime, I carry it around like it is made of crystal. I always hold it with two hands and try never to take it out of my pocket over a bare floor—always over carpet. I hyperventilate when my 5-year-old uses it as a light saber—seriously.

I think my absolute favorite app is one that I’ve wanted to have for quite a while. It will keep track of how far you’ve ridden your bike. It’ll track the route, and calculate your speed, calories burned, etc. And, it will save them for you in an archive. And I can tweet the results of each work out directly to my adoring public. I know you are out there hanging on my every move. I understand and I am trying to do my best to feed you the information about me that you desperately need. IMapMyRide will help me do that. It is really a public service.

Since I started riding seriously a few weeks ago I’ve really wanted to know how far I actually ride my bike. Well, today was that magical day. I got to hop on my bike with my IPhone in my pocket and my IMapMyRide app fired up. Of course without a case, I was a little nervous about taking the phone on my bike. I’ve never crashed, but I’ve only been riding for two weeks. It’s going to happen sooner or later. And I don’t want it to happen while I am riding around with my IPhone unprotected. I need an IPhone prophylactic. Really, using it unprotected is just plain irresponsible. Absent a prophylactic, I knew I had to treat my phone with kid gloves. Really, I wrapped it in three pairs of my kids’ gloves. Sure, it was a little bulky in my pocket. It looked like I had an armadillo in my trousers. It was really quite frightening. (That’s ripped off from This is Spinal Tap).

The ride was really great and I went farther than I thought I would—more about that in a minute. I have to tell you about something that happened along the ride. It made me realize that I am finally entering the world of a real cyclist. I am sure this happens to other cyclists all the time, but this was the first time for me. I was riding along when a car filled with enthusiastic youngsters suddenly pulled up beside me. They opened the door right next to me and let out a high pitched scream. Sure, I was startled but I felt much better when I realized that the youngster’s shriek surely was intended as encouragement and a note of appreciation for my hard work. The wild enthusiasm in his eyes (yes, he was close enough to me that I could see the crazed enthusiasm in his eyes) and the sheer joy in his face made it clear that he meant to spur me on to greater heights. This spontaneous burst of admiration came at the perfect time during the ride. I was about 10 miles into it and I was starting to wear out a bit. This shriek of affection boosted my spirits and gave me that bit of motivation (the love of fans is very motivating) to press onward. Nothing is more gratifying than having people express their appreciation for your efforts through spontaneous, sudden, loud screams of praise.

When I got home after lap 2 of my loop, I checked my IMapMyRide to see how far I had gone. After carefully unwrapping my IPhone from its layers of kids’s gloves, I found that I had ridden 16 miles! Since I didn’t tweet the full results, I’ll report them here. I know my fans will want to know that I rode for 1:15:48 and covered exactly 16 miles. I averaged 12.6 mph and burned 789 calories.

All kidding aside, I am really stoked about how far I rode. Next time I want to ride 20 miles and my goal before le Tour is to have done a 30 mile ride. Right now I am tired, sweaty and my legs are killing me. I need a shower and some food. And I need to read some to my kids.

From Fat to Phat

I found that overnight my wife redid my blog. Not only did she change the picture (a very cool picture of a bike), but she changed my name from the Fat Archaeologist to the Phat Archaeologist. For those rare few who actually have read my blog from the beginning, you’ll already know that I adopted the name Fat Archaeologist following a really great blog by the Fat Cyclist. The Fat Cyclist used the name and the blog to motivate himself to lose weight. I stole the name and idea and adapted it to me—an archaeologist. My motivation was the same, to lose weight, but also to do the work to get into good enough shape to do some serious cycling. I started out weighing 206 lbs and falling well into the obese category based on my body mass index (BMI). After some successful dieting and a good start on an exercise regimen, I am down to about 184 lbs. My longest bike ride to date has been about 80 minutes. So I am making good progress on my original goals.

My wife has decided that I am not fat anymore (never mind that my BMI still falls in the overweight category) and has dubbed me the Phat Archaeologist. She never really liked the idea that I called myself fat. I guess a lot of my friends and family didn’t like such a public admission of my shortcomings using such an unflattering and graphic word. I saw it and still see it as funny. I don’t really see myself as fat and never did. Calling myself fat was a good way to motivate me to change. It’s worked pretty well. I still have some more weight that I want to lose, but I’ll graciously accept my wife’s compliment and nod to my hard work. And, with that name, as usual, she has hit it perfectly. Phat has the perfect smell to it.

Urban lore has it that phat is an acronym (or blackronym because it apparently derives from the urban African American experience) that stands for Pretty Hot and Tempting. Most experts agree that the acronym came later. According to Wiktionary (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/phat), the word phat is an adjective that means excellent, sexy, and (with regard to music) rich in texture, prominent. While I am undeniably excellent, sexy and rich in texture (and also pretty hot and tempting), the real clincher is in the nuances of the meaning of phat. For those nuances, I looked up phat in the online version of the Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=phat). Keep in mind that on this website people post their own take on the meaning of slang terms. You can tell by the names of those who post (as well as their control of grammar) that they are pretty plugged-in people with a firm grasp on current popular culture. On April 14, 2005 Blabh described phat as “A word used by white suburban kids who think they are gangster to describe something ‘cool’/stupid.” Maybe more directly, Doobie Smokes You (December 14, 2004) put it this way: “The problem with ‘phat’ is that it is no longer in really. It has kind of phased out and is mostly used by wannabes, lowerclassmen in high school, or middle schoolers. It is now considered a slang faux pas. I wouldn't use it if I was you.”

These comments alone should discourage me from identifying with phat. This becomes even clearer when you realize that they were posted about five years ago. So FIVE YEARS ago phat was already out of style. Now it is used only by out-of-step posers, really uncool white folks, and people who want to sound out-of-step. It is in this latter category that I fall. I like to laugh at myself and find humor in drawing contrasts like a white, 44-year-old, father-of-two using completely inappropriate and out of date gansta terms like phat. So phat fits me pretty well. I AM the phat archaeologist—fa shizzle, yo?

Why

Why is it that every time I go to get a spoon I find that they are all dirty? It’s not like we only have three. We have a bunch, a whole bunch. And it’s not like we wash dishes only once a month. We do them every day or at least every other day. And it’s not like we are a family of 20. There are four of us—two big people and two smaller ones. So what the hell is up with the spoons? Do we have a mischievous sprite in our house that hides our spoons? Do the cats help themselves to the ice cream while we are sleeping? Do we live over a rift in the space-time continuum and does that allow people from a future where there are no spoons to come back and steal mine?

After a lot of reflection and some internet searching, I’ve concluded that this can mean only one thing. Our family diet is focused on things that you eat with a spoon. This would explain the concomitant scarcity of bowls. Generally things you eat with a spoon are also things you eat in a bowl. So what is my family eating? Lots of cereal, grits, yogurt, soup, macaroni and cheese, and other kinds of pasta you eat with a spoon (like gnocchi). That doesn’t sound like it is a very healthy diet. I am the cook. Since I started trying to lose weight I haven’t been eating as much. Since it is my appetite that usually drives me to cook, I haven’t been cooking as much. Also, since we’ve moved to our new house, I haven’t wanted to make anything complicated (and messy) in the new kitchen. The result is a diet concentrated on spoon food. I am troubled by this.

If we are going to be eating mostly simple, expedient foods I need to find some healthier options. I am thinking astronaut food, or maybe the dehydrated foods that hardcore campers and hikers take with them.

Mmmm, looks tasty...

Space food!

 Space Breakfast!

(As a funny aside, my kids and I play a story game sometimes. The rules of the game are that you have to tell a story where the end result is that you've knowingly eaten cat poo, cat pee, or cat vomit. This picture reminds me of that fun story game)

Space Lunch!

While I am on the subject of food, why can’t my body be satisfied with a rice cake? When I get hungry I generally want to eat something small and fast. I’ve been trying to eat things that have lots of protein and not tons of carbs or sugars. So, I eat a rice cake smeared with peanut butter or an apple with peanut butter. So why is my body still wanting something after I am done? What does it want? I am feeding it well and reasonably. Channeling my body, I just got the answer to that question. It would prefer a steak and a baked potato with butter. If I could just keep those on hand so that I could whip them out of the fridge at a moment’s notice. This takes me back to the astronaut food…or dehydrated backpacking food. 

 It's not steak, but is the closest I could find. I can run out to Dick's and buy a truckload!

Or maybe….meat on a stick! My body would be much happier if I just had an endless supply of meat on a stick that I could grab and eat. Most any kind of meat will do.

Well....maybe just chicken and beef, nothing exotic. I won't know how many calories I'm consuming if I go too weird. On the other hand, going weird will keep my kids from eating my stash of meat on a stick.

I think I need to mass produce kabobs and freeze them for fast deployment. I am pretty sure I am on to something.

Plateau!

Yep, I believed I’ve reached one. I know, it sounds lame. It sounds like I just stopped trying to lose weight and so I did stop losing weight. Actually, this plateau thing is real. Everyone reaches a plateau in their fitness lives. Generally, it is because your body would prefer to be in equilibrium rather than losing weight. It doesn’t really like to lose weight and it will adjust to your new diet and exercise regimen so as to reach some kind of stasis. Here are some things that happen:

Decreased Caloric Needs
When you lose weight, your caloric requirements go down too and so the same kinds of diet and exercise efforts don’t cost your body as much…and you don’t lose weight. The thing to do is make sure your caloric intake is below what you need. Now, too far below is not the right way to go. If you drop 500 or more calories below what you need, you’ll start to lose lean body mass. You want to build that, because it is more expensive for your body to maintain…and it looks better and is more useful. So you don’t want to lose that.

End of Adaptation Phase
Your body actually has to adapt to a new work out regimen. When you start a new routine, your body adapts in lots of ways. One of the things that happens is that you start to build or strengthen muscles that you hadn’t been using as much before. This process burns a lot of calories. After a point, you body adapts to that routine, those muscles are “built” and the caloric cost decreases. So eventually, you body becomes more efficient at doing what you are doing and you stop burning as many calories.

You Done Got in Shape
It also is possible that you’ve reached a level of fitness where your resting metabolic rate is slower and your body is handling your workout efficiently. Given the fact that I am still overweight, I am going to assume this is not my problem.

So, basically my body has gotten used to what I have been doing, balanced the caloric intake and expenditure, and stopped burning a lot of extra. So, what can I do?

Adjust Caloric Intake
I need to drop my calories consumed down to a few hundred below what I need at my new weight. There are a couple of ways to gauge what you really need in terms of calories. One is using the Basal Metabolic Rate, which is what you need to keep your body functioning while at rest. In my case, it is 1792 calories per day. Another way to estimate that is to multiply your weight in kilograms by 23 calories. Using this method, I need 1945 calories a day. I assume that the latter includes what you burn by normal daily activities. So, if I want to reduce my calorie intake to a level where I will continue to burn more than I use, I need to get in the 1400 to 1600 calorie range. In order to figure that out, I need to start counting calories. I’ll try it today just to see how it works.

Change My Activity Routine
I need to throw my body a curve…give it the old head fake…zag when I used to zig. Given that I’ve basically been doing nothing extra for weeks, this really shouldn’t be too hard. It is funny that I really started doing just that instinctively on Saturday. I’ve started biking—something I want to do regularly. I also started walking again, but this time I added some interval stair training to the walk. The other thing that would really help is some weight training. Building muscle burns lots of calories and using it burns lots, too. I am not sure what I am going to do about the weight training thing. I read where Robert Downey Jr. was bored with his weight training routine, so for Iron Man 2 he did things like throw fire hoses around. I’m going to get me some fire hoses and get to work. Or, maybe I’ll go to the gym on campus and use the weight room…a new adventure into the manly world of pumping iron.

We’ll see what my new found knowledge does for me…

The Fat Archaeologist on Wheels

The start of the Giro is today, so in celebration I went on a one-hour bike ride. I didn’t weigh myself before I left, but when I got back I weighed 186.8. That is up a bit from yesterday.

I really haven’t been on my bike for a couple of months and really haven’t done any formal exercise for that long, either. Of course, we’ve been moving so I’ve been lifting, carrying, shoving, etc. for weeks, too. My weight loss has arrested at about 20 lbs. I am not sure why, but I’ve decided to shift my focus to fitness. My original goals were to lose about 30 lbs AND be comfortable going on long bike rides by the time the le tour starts up. I’ve got about 2 months left. I think I can still make the weight goal. The safe rate of weight loss is on average about 2 lbs a week. At that rate, I only need 5 weeks. Of course, right now I’m not losing anything at all. Eight weeks is about enough time to get into decent shape on the bike…if I ride it regularly.

I went out at 7:20 this morning. I am not used to riding in traffic, so I wanted to start at a time and on a day where there wouldn’t be too many cars on the road. It is a Saturday, so I figured I would be safe. I stayed along neighborhood streets in Shandon and Rosewood. I figured they would be flat enough that I wouldn’t kill myself. On a bike things that seem flat in a car do not feel flat. I rode around some streets near my house and then headed out to Rosewood. Once I got over there, I decided I would go check out a new outdoor skateboard park that I had heard about near Owens Field. It turns out that Owens Field is at the bottom of a hill. It is a great ride down, but there is no easy way back out, except going up. As I was heading away from the skate park and contemplating the ride back home I realized I was feeling tired. My legs were feeling tired. I got a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to ride all the way home…I didn’t want to have to stop at all.

I was relieved to find that I could ride up the hills, and there were several, on my way home. I found I had the strength in my legs but I got the burn after a point on each hill. I found that if I just pushed through that I still had the strength to ride. My breathing was much better than I remember it from when I tried to ride a few months ago. I assume that the 20 lbs I’ve lost has helped a lot with that.

I did a few things wrong on this ride that I will really need to fix if I am to do this regularly:

1. Thirst
I didn’t bring a water bottle. I know—that was stupid. I don’t have a holder for a bottle on my bike, but I can fix that pretty easily.

2. Nether regions discomfort
Yep, stuff started rubbing in uncomfortable ways. I’ve got some kind of spray-on powder that I will use next time. I might have to consider some other kind of shorts besides cargo shorts. While I find the biking shorts disturbing, I can see that they have some comfort and safety benefits that may force me into them--literally. That isn’t likely to happen anytime soon.

Oh, and my butt started hurting, too. Until I get a new bike, the saddle I have is the saddle I have to use. So, I’ve either got to get some kind of butt pad or develop calluses on my cheeks. Given that I won’t get any of those fancy biking knickers, I think it will be the latter.

3. Exposed head
I know, I know. I should wear a helmet when I ride. Here in SC motorcyclists have the right to splatter their brains all over the road and—I think—so do bikers. Having the right to do that doesn’t mean I have to be stupid enough to do that. I need to go get a helmet and wear it.

Hey Levi, should I get Road ID (http://www.roadid.com/Common/default.aspx), too? Probably not…so far I’ve only ridden in town and that isn’t likely to change anytime soon. If I drop over, some responsible Rosewoodite or Shandonista (resident of Rosewood and Shandon neighborhoods) will surely eventually notice that I am blocking the path of their shitsu or their Volvo. They’ll call someone to clean up the mess and I’ll be saved.

I may try a ride again tomorrow.