Now I am not Catholic or even particularly religious, but it got me wondering if there wasn’t a patron saint of valets. Hell, I’ll take help from any quarter if it means I can keep from wasting my time…or at least know whether or not I can ride my bike 40 or 50 miles on the day I valet. As I usually do, I turned to the source of all knowledge—Google. It turns out that it is hard to find a patron saint specifically devoted to parking valets. Here are a few of the saints that are in the ballpark:
Saint Christopher (Martyred ca. 251)
This guy has a pretty good story. He was 7.5 feet tall with a scary face. He served the King of Canaan, but left him to serve the devil when he learned the king was afraid of the devil. He eventually learned that the devil feared Christ, so he went looking for Christ. He found a hermit who convinced him to help people cross a river in service of Christ and ended up helping the man himself (as a child) cross that river. He eventually was martyred by a pagan king after sticking up for some other Christians. The king tried to tempt Christopher with money and harlots, but he refused it all—and even convinced the harlots to choose martyrdom. After trying several times to kill him, the pagans chopped off his head—Buster bad ass.
He is the patron saint of lots of things including travelers and drivers of all kinds of vehicles from buses to taxis to boats. Interestingly, he also is patron saint of fruit dealers, epileptics, gardeners, bachelors, archers and Havana, Cuba—interesting company we keep.
I found a couple of different prayers to Christopher. Here is the Roman Catholic version:
Dear Saint, you have inherited a beautiful name - Christbearer - as a result of a wonderful legend that while carrying people across a raging stream you also carried the Child Jesus. Teach us to be true Christbearers to those who do not know him. Protect all drivers who often transport those who bear Christ within them. Amen.
This is how the Eastern Orthodox play it:
Thou who wast terrifying both in strength and in countenance, for thy Creator's sake thou didst surrender thyself willingly to them that sought thee; for thou didst persuade both them and the women that sought to arouse in thee the fire of lust, and they followed thee in the path of martyrdom. And in torments thou didst prove to be courageous. Wherefore, we have gained thee as our great protector, O great Christopher.
I kind of like this guy.
Saint Frances of Rome (1384-1440)
She was married with she was 12, had 4 kids and then became a widow. She served the sick and the poor, guided by an archangel who led her way with a headlight-like lantern. Interestingly, she recorded 97 visions in which she saw the many pains of hell—good stuff I’m sure. On her feast days priests bless cars and drivers, but the prayer you say to her doesn’t mention cars and drivers. In addition to being the patron saint of cars and drivers, she’s also the patron saint of Roman housewives and people ridiculed for the piety. I’m thinking St. Christopher is a better bet.
Sebastian of Aparicio (1502-1600)
This guy is also known as the Angel of Mexico…because he lived in Mexico. He was a gentleman’s valet, worked on a farm, and built a road from Mexico City to Zacatecas and delivered mail on it. Eventually he became a wealthy man, but he gave all his money away and ended his life begging for alms. This dude was hard core--he was married twice for over 60 years and never consummated either marriage. He performed over 300 miracles in his life. I couldn’t find a specific prayer to be said to Sebastian, but I like his blue collar vibe.
Saint Zita (1212-172)
She was a faithful servant of a wealthy family in Tuscany. She viewed her servitude as service to God. At first, she was hated by her fellow servants and her masters, but eventually worked her way to running the household. One story tells of how she left her job baking bread for her masters to help a sick person and angels covered for her, baking the bread while she tended to the sick. She is credited with 150 miracles. Here is a cool tidbit. She died in 1272 and when they dug her back up in 1580 she hadn’t decayed—too holy. She was mummified and now you can go see her preserved like Roy Rogers’ horse Trigger at Basilica di San Frediano in Lucca. She is the patron saint of domestic servants, homemakers, lost keys, people ridiculed for their piety, rape victims, single laywomen, waiters, and waitresses. I love the fact that she didn’t rot, but her connection to cars, drivers, etc. is pretty tenuous.
Saint Ithafanuthia
This is the Greek patron saint of parking. Apparently people in Greece today still say a prayer to Ithafanuthia. Not much to go on with this one.
Saint Otto
OK, so I found this one on Amazon.com. After exhaustive research I discovered that Saint Otto is not really the patron saint of parking. He actually protects against hydrophobia, rabies, and mad dogs. But he does have a fresh, citrus scent. Considering the many smells I’ve encountered in cars—ranging from pot to crab cakes to ass and feet—the citrus scent might be nice.
Conclusion
Although I kind of liked Christopher and Sebastian, the only thing I can conclude is that there really is no patron saint out there to help valets insure good nights. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’ve been doing—attracting success with mind power.
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