Quantum Me

The other day a friend of mine (a smart one) summarized Stephen Hawking’s recent book on the universe for me. I don’t know much about physics and even less about theoretical physics, so getting me to understand was an uphill battle for her. After all, I’m an archaeologist not a physician. She did an admirable job. She was struck by learning the results of the experiment where buckyballs were shot at a screen with two slits in it. Apparently, the buckyballs don’t go through one slit or another—they go through both at the same time, as they become a probability cloud. To my untrained mind, that means that there are multiple outcomes to this experiment and everything else…and I gather that is the basis of quantum physics. By the way, the physician thing was a joke. I know that people who do physics are called magicians; I was merely making a clever play on words there.

As I was riding my bike on Monday, my mind started to wander. I often let it do that because it distracts from the discomfort I sometimes experience and also keeps me from asking the inevitable, logical question—why am I doing this to myself? Anyway, this quantum thing started percolating in my brain and I realized it explained a lot more than buckyballs. It explains much of what seems to be contradictory human behavior.

How is that someone whose religion teaches to take care of the poor can ignore and even make fun of homeless people? Well, they are a probability cloud. I only see them behaving in one way, but in other universes they actually understand and follow the tenants of their religion.

How is that someone, who three years ago told me that it is unpatriotic to question the President, now tells me they hate the president and think he is a socialist? They are a probability cloud. In other universes, they remain perfectly consistent and fully support the president now just as they did three years ago. I am just experiencing different universes.

How is it that Al Gore invented the internet? Well, Al is a probability cloud and in another universe I believe he did invent the internet. In the same way, I believe there are lots of universes where President Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman.

This is really quite a relief to me because all of this contradictory behavior that I see in people is unsettling and just plain hard to understand. Now I know they are not to blame. It is the way of the universes. It also is quite liberating because now I don’t have to worry about contradicting myself. In another universe I remain perfectly consistent. I’m just doing what a probability cloud would do.

In addition to providing cover for my behavior, this quantum thing opens up all sorts of new possibilities. If you shot a bunch of Fat Archaeologists at the UCI Pro Tour schedule this year, at least one of me would end up riding the Tour de France. I am really excited because I’ve always wanted to compete at that level. If you end up in that universe, I hope you will see fit to don your devil suit, fat suit, or antlers and run alongside me as I ascend Alpe d‘Huez. You might remind me to just ride through it.