My Spa Days: Pudding, V-Tach, and Billy the Exterminator

I recently spent 8 lovely days in a restful spa called Providence Hospital. Now usually going to the hospital has negative connotations. Sure, you’re injured or seriously sick and that is never a good thing. Sure, hospitals are filled with sick people and the germs they propagate. Who really wants to go to the hospital? Well, no one in their right mind. Since returning home and feeling a bit better, I’ve had the chance to reflect on the good and bad points of being in the hospital. Let’s just forget for the moment why I was in, because that is not a good point.

The Good

The Service

In the hospital the service is pretty good. If you need something, you have a button you can push and a friendly voice asks what you need. Clean towels, a new gown, snacks, explanations as to why your heart is beating erratically? Just ask and it is yours in short order.  Here at home no one waits on me…I am the waiter, not the waited upon (a role I realize I have created and continued through my own agency). Also, in the hospital food comes at regular, predictable intervals…already prepared! And, it comes with a menu so you know what you’ll be eating at the next meal…and there are even choices! It’s like magic or Star Trek where they have those things that make food appear instantly. Here at home, food does not appear…it is made…usually by me. In the hospital meals come with salads or soup, include meat and a starch and vegetables, and finish with dessert. Meals at home do not have all that. Eating is one of my favorite hobbies…and I’ll admit that the food was pretty good. Honestly, it was nice being served.

Peace and Quiet

It was pretty peaceful in the hospital. Of sure, people came in and out at both regular and random intervals to do things from taking my vitals to borrowing some blood to emptying my pee bottle. In between those visits, it was just me. I watched some TV, enjoyed the free Wi-Fi, even read the paper a bit. There were no kids dashing through the room or fighting or wanting something…no yelling or crying or complaining. Comparatively speaking, it was pretty peaceful…as it should be if healing is the goal.

Endless Pudding

Yeah, endless pudding. Anytime I wanted pudding—morning, noon, or night—some would appear…usually more than one cup at a time, too. I forgot how great pudding is. I love pudding.

Cable TV

We don’t have cable TV at home, we gave it up because there is nothing but junk on. In the hospital I got to watch all that useless stuff we gave up…like football games and reality TV. Would you believe there are two different reality TV shows featuring towing companies? And they are both great! It is amazing how much satisfaction you can get watching rich people get their cars towed. There is also lots of cussing and fighting, too. TV that is very good for convalescing. And don’t even get me going on Billy the Exterminator…great stuff!

The Bad

Sure with all the great reasons to go to the hospital, there are some bad things about being there…and let’s still forget why I went there in the first place.

That Bed

First of all, it’s a really narrow bed so you can’t spread out or roll over. I discovered that rolling on to my left side sent me into v-tach (fast irregular heartbeat that can lead to oxygen deprivation), so after that I pretty much just slept on my back as a matter of self-preservation.

Sure the bed has those nifty features that let you raise it up or lower it, raise your feet or head, etc. Those are only useful in limited circumstances: when someone wants to take some blood from you or take your vitals; to facilitate reality TV watching; to entertain your kids when they visit. The worst thing about the bed, well there are two bad things about it. One is that it has a plastic liner under the sheets…nothing says sweaty sleeping like a plastic liner. The other is that the bed automatically made adjustments—puffing one area up and then letting it down. It did it all the time, day and night. That took some getting used to. Maybe if I had been in the Navy and was used to sleeping on a moving target it would have been an easier adjustment. I assume that was to keep me from getting bed sores—clever but really, really annoying. I should really talk to the management about those beds so my next stay is more comfortable.

Peeing in a Bottle

When you’re hooked up to an IV stand that is plugged into the wall, you have no choice but to pee in a bottle. It is hard to maintain your dignity when you have to pee in a bottle, but I found a way that worked for me. I stood up and faced the wall as if I was just peeing in the bushes…you know, just another  Friday night out with the guys. (Remind me to tell the story of getting roughed up because some frat boys caught me peeing in THEIR bushes when I was in college.) In the hospital I got pretty good at peeing in a bottle and could do it all one-handed. That did get old though, so I started unplugging my automatic monitoring IV stand from the wall and walking it to the bathroom with me. It was awkward and took a lot of furniture moving, but I had the time to work it out.

After a while I realized the nurses, who would come in to empty my pee bottle, were using it to keep track of how much I peed. When I stopped using the bottle I was peppered with questions every few hours about how many times I had peed. That was a dignity sapper.

No Privacy

People did come and go from my room at all hours of the day and night. Sure, they would knock before they came in, but the lag between knock and entry barely left time to inform someone that I was busy peeing in my bottle. Honestly, that really wasn’t very different from being home. My kids are pretty much on top of me whenever I am home and they, especially my son, will follow me anywhere and talk to me while I do absolutely anything.

4am Wake-up

They took my vital signs every 4 hours and the first one of the morning started at 4am. Often that was followed up by someone taking blood, doing an EKG, or dispensing medicine. Not long after the doctors would make their appearance to speak to me in their vague and non-committal ways. So effectively, I woke up every day at 4am. Sure, I might grab a cat nap between vitals and the EKG, but it left me no choice but to have an afternoon nap…which left me watching reality TV until the midnight vitals check, only to be awakened at 4am to start it all over again.

Collateral Damage

I was in the hospital for 8 days…not an eternity but long enough to form some habits.

Pudding

I am thoroughly addicted to pudding. I’ve gone through I don’t know how many tubs of Kozy Shack pudding since I’ve come home. I love it, I love it, I can’t stop.

Billy the Exterminator

I am also thoroughly addicted to a reality TV show called Billy the Exterminator. He works for a company called Vexcon in Shreveport that specializes in getting rid of all kinds of things from gators to bobcats to roaches. But Billy is no ordinary guy. He knows more ways to get rid of pests than anyone on earth, and he’s got a unique look. He has spiked hair and wears black leather everything with spikes all over it. He’s the McGuiver/Billy Idol of exterminators. Since coming home (where there is no cable TV) I’ve found that Billy the Exterminator is available on Hulu…just season 2 for now. My daughter and wife are now thoroughly hooked too. Billy’s even got his own online store where you can buy leather gear with spikes and chains. If you are looking for a birthday gift for me (October 5)…

4am Wake-up

Since coming home I’ve found that I wake up early. Sure, taking a 3-hour nap in the afternoon is going to shorten a night’s sleep, but oddly enough I keep waking up somewhere between 4 and 6 am. No one is poking me, squeezing me, or sticking a thermometer in my mouth…yet I wake up. I was up at 4 this morning and am trying hard to avoid an afternoon nap just so I sleep through the night. I am really looking forward to getting this all fixed up so I can go back to a more normal routine…only 3 months to go!

All in all I have no real complaints about my stay in the hospital. Really, I did miss my family and the hubbub a lot. But, it was nice to rest and be served. I have a new appreciation for nurses and nursing techs. They work hard and work around the clock…and every single one I came into contact with was nice and upbeat. I found the simmering class conflict between doctors and everyone else to be really interesting, but that is another story.