Male Pattern Blindness

Friends, I’d like to take a moment to talk about an affliction that affects most adult men. It is a cause of embarrassment, shame, and mostly exasperation. Yes, it is Male Pattern Blindness. Maybe you don’t know it by its technical name and maybe you confuse it with another common male malady, Male Pattern Baldness. Still, you recognize its symptoms. Ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You ask you husband, boyfriend, father, butler, or valet to find the ridged lids to go on the Tupperware containers in the cabinet or bring you your toes socks from the upper right hand drawer of your dresser—and they claim they can’t find whatever you’ve asked them to get. So you go, look, and immediately find what you were seeking…and return frustrated. Guys, how many times have you gone to the store to get the store brand super-flow nighttime-daytime overnight pads in the BLUE PACKAGE and come home with the purple package instead? These are the sad consequences of Male Pattern Blindness. Saddest of all, the men who suffer from this debilitating disease are maligned endlessly—adding to their suffering.

The exact cause is still not clear, but the patterns in the disease provide clues. This problem afflicts only adult men and ones who find themselves somehow in the service of women (husbands, boyfriends, fathers, butlers, valets and other situations and occupations designed for servitude). Although top scientists have studied the problem, the proposed explanations seem to be influenced by the genders of the scientists doing the studies.

Most male scientists believe that male pattern blindness is the outcome of million years of evolution affecting the behavior of male hominids (humans and their ancient ancestors) after the beginnings of upright posture and advent of pair bonding. This is postulated to have begun around 4 million years ago with Ardipithecus ramidis. The idea is that the structure of the male brains was altered—particularly the parts affecting the transfer and interpretation of visual information—so that at certain time visual information is not transferred correctly within the brain. The reason for this adaption is generally considered to have something to do with maintaining the efficiency of male energy usage during foraging (the male responsibility in the pair bonding framework). Foraging efficiency is maintained by insuring a prioritization of tasks.

Female scientists unanimously maintain that this explanation for Male Pattern Blindness is utter nonsense influenced by the gender bias of the researchers. Female scientists argue that Male Pattern Blindness is simply a passive and conscious resistance to the demands of pair bonding.

While the scientific debate rages on, men and the women they serve suffer. Until an explanation and a cure are devised, as a man who also is afflicted, I plead for patience and understanding.